FB: American Rivers Conference

[TheOne89.1]

What do you call a man with no arms and legs flying over a fence?

HOMER

In an endzone?

SPIKE

[Purple Heys]

What do you call a man with no arms and legs lying in front of a door?

Matt

What do you say to him?

Welcome Matt.

What do you call a guy with no arms no legs trying to break into your house through the window?

Jimmy.

[Klopenhiemer]

For lack of anything better to do during a snowstorm, I actually watched the Daytona 500 (well, I did sleep through some of it). I think my inner redneck is coming out!

Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

[Mr. Ypsi]

The armless, legless jokes reminded me of a favorite creation tale:

"I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden.  "I need to have someone around for company."
"Okay," replied God.  "I'll give you the perfect companion.  She is beautiful, intelligent, and gracious - she'll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word."
"Sounds great," Adam said.  "But what's she going to cost?"
"An arm and a leg," answered God.
"That's pretty steep," replied Adam.  "What can I get for a rib?"

In fairness, however, I must give the alternative view:

And God created woman.  And she was good.  She had two arms, two legs, and three breasts.  And God asked woman what she would like to have changed about herself, and she asked for her middle breast to be removed.  And it was good.  She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob.  And God created man.

[sportsknight]

****WARNING - OFF COLOR HUMOR ALERT - THE FOLLOWING JOKES MAY BE DEEMED INSENSITIVE BY THOSE WITH NO SENSE OF HUMOR****

Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?
Because she was a woman.

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
You would too if your name was braaaaammmmppppphhhhhh.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.

****THIS OFF COLOR HUMOR WARNING HAS EXPIRED - PLEASE REMAIN TUNED TO THIS STATION FOR ADDITION DETAILS AS THEY BECOME AVAILABLE****

[Klopenhiemer]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.

This is so wrong but so funny.  Nice work sportsknight. 

[rookie11]

So could anyone mention any of the candidates at Coe are?

[Walston Hoover]

Insert Sportsknight's disclaimer here.
Why didn't Helen Keller skydive?
It scared the crap out of her dog.

[Walston Hoover]

Doolittledog ...

Thanks for your assessment of the 2008 season for UD.  I'm thinking Coach wouldn't have scheduled the trip to Redlands if he didn't think the Spartans had a chance.  Who wants to go all that far just to be embarrassed?

Hey, we flew all the way to Oregon for the playoffs in '02.

[Klopenhiemer]

Doolittledog ...

Thanks for your assessment of the 2008 season for UD.  I'm thinking Coach wouldn't have scheduled the trip to Redlands if he didn't think the Spartans had a chance.  Who wants to go all that far just to be embarrassed?

Hey, we flew all the way to Oregon for the playoffs in '02.

I think....Oh wait I know I would rather fly to Oregon and get embarassed in the playoffs than fly to CA for the opening game and get embarassed. 

On a side note:  I do not think UD will get embarassed, I look for a good game. 

[footballdaddy]

One more:

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter-he still won't come.

[sportsknight]

Couple more while I'm thinking of them...

A rapist, a priest, and a child molester walk into a bar.  And that's just the first guy.

Jesus Christ walks into a hotel, puts two 2x4s and and a couple nails down on the counter and says "Can you put me up for the night."

An old Irishman had a well-known habit at his local pub.  He was one of 3 brothers, and after the blight, one went to America, one went to Australia, and he stayed behind to care for his ailing parents.  But before the brothers went their separate ways, they promised each other that every Friday night they'd go to their local pub and drink a pint for themself and one for each brother.
But one Friday evening in the early spring, the Irish brother walked into his local public house, sat down, and ordered just two pints.  The entire place began to wonder if something had happened to one of his brothers.  So at the urging of the patrons, the bartender walked over to the man and asked him, "Sean, I couldn't help but notice that you only ordered two pints tonight.  Are your brothers alright?"
"Oh, they're fine" the gentlemen replied, now noticing that all the eyes in the place were fixed on him.  "But I gave up drinking for Lent."

[Purple Heys]

Doolittledog ...

Thanks for your assessment of the 2008 season for UD.  I'm thinking Coach wouldn't have scheduled the trip to Redlands if he didn't think the Spartans had a chance.  Who wants to go all that far just to be embarrassed?

Hey, we flew all the way to Oregon for the playoffs in '02.

I think....Oh wait I know I would rather fly to Oregon and get embarassed in the playoffs than fly to CA for the opening game and get embarassed. 

On a side note:  I do not think UD will get embarassed, I look for a good game. 

Redlands returns the bulk portion of a good defense and I believe most of the skill side of the offense including the QB.  They have a lot of confidence that this team is playoff ready.  They usually have a big squad.  The '07 edition of the DBQ would handle them by a couple of TD's...the '08 Sparties are going to have their hands full early in the season after a long trip.

I will say this, Ted Runner Stadium is not an imposing place to play...but its a good sized and nicely kept stadium with putting green grass.  It's wide open at either end so the noise does not reverberate and accumulate.  I played there in Pop Warner, Junior High and High School football...it's a fast track.  I always liked playing there.  When the field gets wet, it gets very slippery.

Be prepared for very hot, dry weather....very different from the humidity.  Could get in the low 100's and then it's a baking heat.

Oh yeah, when you are there...those things to the North...big, high, rock-looking things...those are Mountains.  It's where we keep our snow.

[Purple Heys]

Who here has had (still has?) a muscle car?

You know the kind, where women and small children ran when you gunned the motor.

I had a '67 LTD convertible with a 390, Flags and all.

Red with a white rag top.

My wife made me get rid of it when we had the kids.  Had to buy food and clothes for the yard apes instead of new headers and muffler kit.

We drove it across country one summer from Dallas to California...one of the best vacations together we ever had.

I remember pulling into the hotel at Vegas under the lights of the Flamingo Hilton (Back then...)

(Heavy sigh...)

[Charlie Kohawk]

Oh yeah, when you are there...those things to the North...big, high, rock-looking things...those are Mountains.  It's where we keep our snow.

Ouch! Slaps like that hurt extra when the wind chill is about -30, like right now.