FB: Minnesota Intercollegiate Athletic Conference

[finsleft]

An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.  His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed  As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?  Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.  And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.  The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.  Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.  As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

[finsleft]

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." 

"Okay then," Tommie said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and widthwise, it couldn't have been much bigger than an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later, she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again.  Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's been swollen like this all day," Tommie replied.

[snoop dawg]

Did I mention all proceeds from my book are going to johnnie football?

[finsleft]

My valentine:

[Gray Fox]

I guess Tommie in your other joke sent the same card.

[OzJohnnie]

An Aussie from the bush is visiting the New Zealand countryside when he spots a Kiwi walking along with a very shaggy sheep.  "You going shear that sheep, mate?" the Aussie asks. "Back off, mate!" replies the Kiwi.  "I'm not shearing this sheep with anyone." 

[snoop dawg]

My valentine:

Mary and her 5 sisters.....what a date.

[faunch]

OAS....Mr. Romantic....but what's up with the Beatles hair?

http://www.twincities.com/ci_11701271?nclick_check=1

[57Johnnie]

From the Des Moines Register:

I think this is grossly unfair to the female prisoners 

County budgets and toilet paper have one thing in common: Every little bit helps.

That's why leaders in Des Moines County will consider an idea to charge jail inmates for bathroom tissue to help wipe away a $1.7 million deficit next year.

The decision was driven, in part, by a Board of Supervisors edict that gave department heads an option: Cut costs or face employee furloughs or layoffs.

The county's budget director, Cheryl McVey, said billing inmates for toilet paper could save more than $2,300.

"We have to find out if it's an allowable expense," she said Thursday. "It's certainly not going to balance our budget."

McVey said she didn't know whether inmates would be charged by the sheet, square or roll. The savings estimate was provided by the maintenance department at the jail, where officials did not want to talk about the idea or where it originated.

Curt Braby, Louisa County sheriff and president of the Iowa State Sheriffs and Deputies Association, said he wasn't aware of any counties that have toilet paper fees on the books. He said inmates probably would choose to spend money from accounts established for necessities like shampoo and soap if asked to pony up for paper.

As for Des Moines County elected officials: "They've got budget problems, and they're looking for places to cut. But what do you do for the guy who hasn't got the dollar for the toilet paper?"

[bennie]

OAS....Mr. Romantic....but what's up with the Beatles hair?

http://www.twincities.com/ci_11701271?nclick_check=1

I am just glad to see him up and around (depending on when this story was written). OAS, I hope you are feeling better...but the sideburns really have to go!

[janesvilleflash]

Oh, that's OAS? I thought it was Bobby Brady.

[tmerton]

OAS....Mr. Romantic....but what's up with the Beatles hair?

http://www.twincities.com/ci_11701271?nclick_check=1

Kincaid's?  Goodness gracious, all the way from the west coast to Saint Paul.  Go for it, OAS!

Happy Valentine's Day to you and yours (and if it's a sheep or Mary and her five sisters, it doesn't count - you know who you are  ).

[tmerton]

What to learn from this story?

1.  Watch out for childhood pacts.
2.  Get married before you're 35.
3.  Vet your best man carefully.

[snoop dawg]

Here is what my loving wife got me for Valentines day


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuGIa7tuiLs

[OzJohnnie]

If you Minnesota fisher-families are, like our family, being a bit cautious this year and planning no holiday, then you may want to splurge on a trip to the Congo next year where you can fish for the newly discovered Goliath tiger fish.



You may need to fish with titanium line, methinks.