FB: Minnesota Intercollegiate Athletic Conference

[stanbob]

They once said that a black man would be president when pigs fly. His first 100 days in office and, BAM, swine flu.

Classic Fins, +K

[OzJohnnie]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

New Zealander: (look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

New Zealander: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar."

[OzJohnnie]

Ok, now I'm started on the Kiwi jokes and I've found a couple more that made me chuckle.  Batter up.

Q: How do you know if a kiwi has been in the fridge?
A: Love-bites on the lamb roast.

Q: What's the kiwi's idea of safe sex?
A: Spray painting red x's on the sheep that kick.


A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The Aussie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking about the question.  Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."

[tmerton]

Oz's Kiwi jokes provide a fitting segue here.  Riding into work I listened in disbelief as the local station described Michele Bachman's latest political observation that swine flu seems to go hand in hand with Democratic administrations (hunh? ).  In seeking internet confirmation (politics aside - that's not what this is about - it's just a remarkable observation and too good not to follow up on) I found that it even made the LA Times.  California is apparently fascinated with Michele (and appropriately so)!  She and Paris Hilton would make wonderful bookends for a Stiftungfestivities.   Now who has the juice to make that happen?!?!

[tmerton]

They once said that a black man would be president when pigs fly. His first 100 days in office and, BAM, swine flu.

This made my wife laugh.   +k, Fins.

[Retired Old Rat]

A dude was in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He lowered his altitude and spotted a fisherman in a boat below. He shouted to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know were I am

The person in the boat consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above the water elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

The dude rolled his eyes and said, 'You must be a Democrat.'

'I am,' replied the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answered the dude , 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.'

The Democrat smiled and responded, 'You must be a Republican .'

''I am,' replied the dude . 'How did you know?'

'Well,' said the Democrat, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.'

[Retired Old Rat]

Oz's Kiwi jokes provide a fitting segue here.  Riding into work I listened in disbelief as the local station described Michele Bachman's latest political observation that swine flu seems to go hand in hand with Democratic administrations (hunh? ).  In seeking internet confirmation (politics aside - that's not what this is about - it's just a remarkable observation and too good not to follow up on) I found that it even made the LA Times.  California is apparently fascinated with Michele (and appropriately so)!  She and Paris Hilton would make wonderful bookends for a Stiftungfestivities.   Now who has the juice to make that happen?!?!

Thanks for rubbing it in. 

I'm sure if VOJ agreed to interview Bachmann I could get my former classmate to appear.  Ball's in Johnnie Red's court on Paris. 

[Johnnie Red]

Does anyone know how I could contact Paris? Just think what it would be like if we could get Michele Bachman, Paris, and Lady GaGa in attendance at the Stiftungsfestivities this fall. I have already talked to TC, the mascot for the Minnesota Twins, and Terri Traen of KQRS about making an appearance. As Dusty would say, developing....

[finsleft]

Does anyone know how I could contact Paris?

You could call her probation officer? Or you might find her splashing around in the shallow end of the talent pool.

Hey JR, has anyone tried this with you to avoid jury duty?

[Johnnie Red]

Finsleft, very interesting affidavit. Fortunately, I have not had that experience. I was talking to one of my fellow judges this week who mentioned that on Tuesday he had a defendant in front of him who used the F--k word a number of times in court this week and then later in the day tried to start a fight with his attorney.

[retagent]

Pretty tough on Michelle today. I guess any state that could elect (or so it looks) a lying, tax cheating, nasty little puke like Al "Stuart Smalley" Franken may have more to apologize for tham a representative who says things, most likely in jest, and having it made into the proverbial mountain - meet molehill.

[OzJohnnie]

Pretty tough on Michelle today. I guess any state that could elect (or so it looks) a lying, tax cheating, nasty little puke like Al "Stuart Smalley" Franken may have more to apologize for tham a representative who says things, most likely in jest, and having it made into the proverbial mountain - meet molehill.

Everything should be considered in a vacuum, retagent, and assumed to be as bad as possible.  It's also important to attribute stupidity or bad intentions rather than look for misunderstandings or mis-statements.

I guess that's what frustrates me about politics so much.  I'm more than happy to be one-eyed and unreasonable when considering the value of any random Tommie, but I really get depressed by the same sort of bigotry when applied to political beliefs.  It's a sad reflection of the current value placed on reason.

[OzJohnnie]

Wow!  Just watched a blinder of a game between the Hawks and the Carlton Blues. We snatched a four point win.  Great game.

[retagent]

Did anyone understand OZ's last post?

I, on the other hand, watched a he!! of a game where my Caps beat Sid's Pens 3 - 2. A well played game by all, with some scintillating stops, and dazzling goals. The Pens will be tough to beat.

[Kira & Jaxon's Dad]

Wow!  Just watched a blinder of a game between the Hawks and the Carlton Blues. We snatched a four point win.  Great game.

"Blinder" "Snatch"?  Sounds like Soft Core Porn with Equestrian Gear or something...