FB: Minnesota Intercollegiate Athletic Conference

[Retired Old Rat]

ROR: You drink beer?  I was under the impression you stuck to ice water.

Been gone a few days. 

I will consider the source of this attempted dis.

How are those coolers tasting these days?

[finsleft]

So it's Tuesday night and I'm pretty intoxicated...for all the Johnnies out there, anyone heading to the kick off of Old Johnnie Ale on Saturday?  I believe I will be there (if Gluek gets off their asses and gets the beer out on time)

They'd BETTER get the beer out! I don't want to drive a whole 11.7 miles to see an empty keg get blessed! Think I'll be there unless Fins III really wants to go fishing. Big day on Sunday, too, as Wooderson, Jr. celebrates his graduation. Another Johnnie next fall.

[finsleft]

Willy: The NCAA would consider the word "arrow" on pace-arrow to be offensive and would ban the RV from hosting any gatherings, unless it changed its name.

What if I changed it to:

Peace Arrow

[tmerton]

Willy: The NCAA would consider the word "arrow" on pace-arrow to be offensive and would ban the RV from hosting any gatherings, unless it changed its name.

What if I changed it to:

Peace Arrow

It would then qualify for life out here on the Left Coast.  You could even bring it out here for a blessing on St. Francis' feast day (which all of you surely know is Oct. 4, yes?).  Park it in Napa and use it as a base for wine tours.

[finsleft]

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$121,237.65".
The boss says "$121,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

[Johnnie Red]

I can only assume that TDT will be making a guest appearance tomorrow at the Minnesota State High School League headquarters in Brooklyn Center to advocate to the Representative Assembly delegates to vote NO on the proposal to eliminate the fall dance season.

[finsleft]

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the Twin Cities market:

Edina Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold at Galleria. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face-lift.
Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented"
version.

White Bear Lake Barbie
This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Brooklyn Park Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash-preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Eden Prairie Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.  Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership.
Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Chaska Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six pack of Coors light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when he's drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Bloomington Barbie
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears undergarments from Talbot's and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at Kincaid's.  Percocet prescription available.

Mora Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gutted Ken out of Hugo Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

Macalester Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her " Willow ." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but you if purchase two St. Paul Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

Lake Street Barbie.
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Anoka/Blaine Barbie
She's perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is cause he's always hunting.

East Side Barbie
This Hmong Speaking only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats.
The optional Ken doll comes with a Meat Packers uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green Cards are not available for Barbie or Ken.

[Whoa Nelly]

This is almost as bad as when Kevin Bacon lived in a town that didn't allow dancing...

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/05/17/unmarried.ap/index.html

[finsleft]

Learn the lingo...

Golfing terminology:
An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker
A Kate Winslett - a bit fat, but otherwise perfect
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
A Princess Diana - shouldn't have taken the driver
A Prince Charles - Both balls in the rough
A Tony Blair - Too much spin on it.
An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it
A Condom - safe, but didn't feel real good
A Kathy Freeman - ugly, but a good runner
A Kate Moss - too thin and finished up in a mess

On the greens:
A Kelly Osbourne - a nasty 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson- thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A Brazilian - just shaved the hole

[johnnyadmit]

Learn the lingo...

Golfing terminology:
An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker
A Kate Winslett - a bit fat, but otherwise perfect
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
A Princess Diana - shouldn't have taken the driver
A Prince Charles - Both balls in the rough
A Tony Blair - Too much spin on it.
An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it
A Condom - safe, but didn't feel real good
A Kathy Freeman - ugly, but a good runner
A Kate Moss - too thin and finished up in a mess

On the greens:
A Kelly Osbourne - a nasty 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson- thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A Brazilian - just shaved the hole

+K for that gem

[Retired Old Rat]

Don't be jealous, Maniac.  At least you're not an Augsburg Tech alum.  Their men and women finished 11th

No jealousy, Duff....just wishing UST hired coaches that would give it a better balance between the championship winning sports & those coming short...no shame in 2nd or 3ven 3rd, but bottom half? THERE is shame

I am jealous of ROR....not everyone gets quoted in Lor S's Op-Ed column as a source of wisdom & news.... how'd you swing that ROR? (do we want to know?)

My insightful political analysis is frequently requested by the leading pundits of our time.   

But really, how insightful do you really need to be to know Bachmann is a wingnut?

TDT might be interested to know that Michelle and I are Anoka High classmates.

[Johnnie Red]

ROR, interesting to find out that you and Ms. Bachmann were classmates at Tornado High. What do you think the chances would be to get her up to Collegeville on September 30 for the "I'm a politician, so kiss my ass!" Stiftungsfestivities? Invitations will be going out soon to get as many political candidates on board. The event will be in honor of Gene McCarthy and Paul Wellstone. It is a natural with the Johnnies hosting Carleton. No rock bands, no wrestling extravanganza.

I am a Republican and I must admit I am so tired of what the Republicans are doing in D.C. Can they ever say no to "I want more money" to build another bridge to nowhere?

[finsleft]

Yeah but at least we have our family values and our borders will be secured so that Jason Laker will, never, ever, return.
And gas is still cheaper per gallon than rum.

[tmerton]

A hospital administrator in Nebraska just sent this to me - and I'm shocked!

BUY A NAP

      You can't buy a nap anymore at the Mall of America

      BLOOMINGTON, Minn. (AP) - A store at the Mall of America that sold naps has gone to sleep.

      MinneNapolis sold naps for 70 cents a minute. But the nap center brought in fewer than 16-hundred customers during its six-month run at the huge mall in Bloomington, Minnesota.

      Owner Steev RamsDell blames the failure on the high percentage of tourists who shop at the Mall of America. He says the store couldn't develop repeat business.

      RamsDell still hopes to make money from tired Minnesotans. He says he's signed a lease in the trendy Uptown neighborhood in Minneapolis, and plans to open a smaller version of MinneNapolis there on June first.

[tmerton]

As a public service and in preparation for summer music festivals ... how to sing the blues.

1. Most Blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in right away:
I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.
I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.
She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weighs 500 pounds.

4. The Blues are not about limitless choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars are Chevies, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Other acceptable Blues transportation modes include Greyhound buses and southbound trains. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.

6. Adults sing the Blues. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. In the Blues, "adulthood" means old enough to get the electric chair when you shoot that man in Memphis.

7. You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont, Tucson, or North Dakota are just depression. The best places to have the Blues are still Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg while skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg when your broken-down pickup truck rolled over on it is.

9. The following colors do not belong in the Blues: violet, beige, mauve (unless you're truly desperate for a rhyme).

9. You can't have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is just plain wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places to have the Blues: the highway, a jailhouse, an empty bed, the bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places to have the Blues: ashrams, gallery openings, weekends in the Hamptons, golf courses, Tiffany's, and Ivy League institutions.

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man—and it's an old black suit.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Answer "Yes" if:
a. your first name is a southern state—like Georgia.
b. you're blind.
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.
e. you're older than dirt.
Answer "No" if:
a. you once were blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf.
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a trust fund or an IRA.
e. you have all your teeth.

13. Blues is not about color, it's about bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues; Gary Coleman could. Ugly old white people got a leg up on the blues. Julio Iglesias and Barbra Streisand will never sing the Blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: wine, whiskey, muddy water, beer, black coffee. Blues beverages are NOT: mixed drinks, kosher wine, sparkling water, Snapple, Starbucks Frappuccino, or Slim Fast. Although Rubber Biscuits and the Wish Sandwich are famous blues snacks, better stick to common blues grub like Greasy Bar-b-que, Fatback and beans, and Government cheeze. Blues food is never: Club sandwich, Sushi, or Crème brule.

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a Blues death. So is substance abuse, the electric chair, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a Blues death to die during liposuction or from tennis elbow.

16. Excellent names for female Blues singers: Sadie, Big Momma, Bessie, or Fat River Dumpling. Excellent names for male Blues singers: Willie, Joe, Little Willie, Lightning, or Big Willie. Singers with names like Muffy, Sierra, Auburn, Alexis, Gwenyth, Sequoiz, Brittany or Rainbow are not permitted to sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

17. The Build Your Own Blues Singer Name Starter Kit:
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, Asthmatic)
b. First name (from above lists) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name of a U. S. president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Okay, maybe not "Kiwi"...)

18. I don't care how tragic your life; if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.  You'd best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or shotgun.  Maybe your big ass woman just done sit on it. I don't care.

19. Hey there, you can READ! This too be a big ol' problem. Most folks singin' the Blues ain't never had much a chance for education. In the Blues... the three R's stand for Railroads, Runnin' and Rehab.

20. It gots to be dark to sing the blues, preferably after midnight. Singin' da blues at noon is forbidden.

21. If none of the above works, try one last, pathetic stab at authenticity: name your guitar. Remember, Lucille is taken.

22. Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone: "I didn't wake up this morning."