FB: Liberty League

[bman]

With all this talk of politics and nationalism,  Bman thinks it's time to lighten it up with a re-print of the "Complete Military History of France"

The Complete Military History of France
Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

Norse Invasions: Lost. King Charles the Simple buys peace with the Norsemen by giving them Normandy.

Moorish Invasions: Lost. Charlemagne scoots behind the Pyrennes.

Third Crusade: Philip Augustus gets mad at Richard the Lion Heart and goes home.

Seventh Crusade: Lost. St. Louis' crusade to Egypt resoundingly crushed.

Eighth Crusade: Lost. St. Louis goes to Tunis.

Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates the First Rule of French Warfare: France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman. 


Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre: Won, because the opponent was also French.

The Dutch War: Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as de Gaulle Syndrome, and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare: France only wins when America does most of the fighting. 
This was part of a much larger worldwide war against the British, which the French lost since the Americans weren't participants.

French Revolution: Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. France introduces the world to the guillotine and the Terror.

Quasi-War: Tied. France, angry that the US normalized relations with the British, seizes US ships in the Caribbean and decrees war on American shipping worldwide. France conveniently ignores that the US and France have a treaty of alliance that effectively makes the US a subject state of France. American envoys in Paris are told that they must pay a $250,000 bribe to the French Foreign Minister and a $10,000,000 "loan" to France before the French will even consider negotiations (XYZ Affair). US refuses to pay, builds up a navy which promptly seizes 80 French ships, and continues to sue for peace. Delighted British offer aid to the US against the French. Ends when Napoleon seizes power in Paris and abandons North America. Napoleon also agrees to abrogate the unequal treaty of alliance, making the US truly independent for the first time. Produces the
First Rule of American Diplomacy: You'll regret making any alliance with the French. 
The US makes no other treaties of alliance for nearly 150 years.

Haitian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a European army by African slaves, and produces the
First Rule of African Warfare: We can always beat the French. 


The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

India: Lost, to the British.

Mexican Empire War: Lost. Napoleon III takes advantage of US Civil War to invade Mexico. Collapse of the Confederacy dashes plans to invade Louisiana. Saber-rattling by reunified US leads to hasty French withdrawal, leaving puppet Austrian "Emperor of Mexico" to face a Mexican firing squad.

The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

Panama Jungles: Lost, this time to vegetation and mosquitoes.

World War I: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II (first act): Lost to the Germans. Conquered French liberated, against their will, by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

World War II (second act): Lost to the Italians. True, the Germans already had France on the ropes, but nevertheless France is the first and only country to ever lose three wars when fighting Italians!

World War II (third act): Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French: its Jewish population. Vichy government consistently gives Germans more than the Germans ask when it comes to anti-Semitic policies.

World War II (fourth act): Won, due to the fact that the opponent was a French woman. In what is perhaps the vilest act ever committed by any French government, the Vichy government guillotines Marie Latour for the "crime" of abortion.

World War II (fifth act): Lost, this time to the Americans in North Africa. Ostensibly independent collaborationist Vichy government immediately occupied by Hitler, putting to an end the myth of "unoccupied France." Vichy remains popular with the French people until it became clear that Germany was losing the war.

World War II (sixth act): Reminiscent of the American Revolution, France claims a win even though the British and Americans did all the work (remember the Second Rule!) of liberating France, and the British, Americans, and especially the Russians did all the work of defeating Germany. France demands (and, amazingly, gets) a spot as one of the victorious Allies; and even more amazingly gets a permanent seat on the UN Security Council.

War of Indochina Independence: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu. The US, forgetting the First Rule of American Diplomacy, steps into the mess and spends the next 20 years getting out.

War of Algerian Independence: Lost after 8 brutal years of fighting. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the
First Rule of Muslim Warfare: We can always beat the French. 
This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Haitians, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

Ivory Coast Conflict: On the way to losing (remember the First Rule of African Warfare!).

War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. With fond memories of its World War II (third act) victories, forms new military alliance with Germany against the US.

60th Anniversary of D-Day: France repulses an invasion of elderly British veterans who seek to attend memorial ceremonies on the beaches of Normandy.

October, 2005: France passes a law making it mandatory for school textbooks to teach that French colonialism was "positive" ("school programs recognize in particular the positive character of the French overseas presence, notably in North Africa"). This provision is part of a law recognizing the "national contribution" of Frenchmen who colonized Algeria for 132 years and who fought on the losing side of the War of Algerian Independence (see above).

Today: The French government raises its terror alert level from run to hide. The only two higher levels in France are surrender and collaborate. The raise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed one of France's white flag factories, disabling their military.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be
Can we count on the French?
but rather
How long until France collapses? 

[JT]

Glad someone said that.  +k LD.

JT, if we all agree to go check Bill O'Reilly's blog will you spare us the 10,000-word regurgitation of his thoughts in response to LD?

JT doesn't read, listen to, or watch O'Reilly.

And LD, JT's no big fan of McCain either.

JT is a registered Independent.

[JT]

Moving on.  The draft is tomorrow, and FMJT reminded JT that we will be going to a show tomorrow night.  JT is setting up his draft list so the system will do it automatically.

[Touchdown Tommy]

CC to REG and RT: Sign up for Enginegro's league so that TDT can b-slap you again this season...

RE: Satty Radio

See REG it is all because you bought a Caddy against TDT's wishes.  BTW TDT think it is time for the LLPP to get some pics of the new whip..

[JT]

Yaz hospitalized for chest pains.  Hope it isn't anything too serious.

http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/8466634?MSNHPHMA

[Tags]

RE: Bill O'reilly

Tags is a fan, but concedes that he can go too far. For the most part he tries to do/say the right thing. Libs & Nutty Conservatives just don't like anyone calling them out.

Plus he picks on Snoopy dog dog & it's hilarious.


Question:

Tags has an ivite from a high level person at his work to play in a fantasy football ($ entry). Considering this isn't just some random coworker, is this advisable.

[bman]

Tags

If you do do it, just make sure you handlke yourself correctly.  Having good knowledge and faring well in the league may earn you some "Man Points"...
Finish last and....

Also refrain from any of the trash talk stuff, and just handle your business with polish...

[Jonny Utah]

Interesting bit on the olympics (its short)

http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/beijing/blog/fourth_place_medal/post/The-REAL-Olympic-medal-count?urn=oly,101537

[PBR...]

dumb azz!!! these idiots deserve to get crunched...novices in surfing and kite surfing should not be out when hurricanes/t.s. roll ashore...look at this idiot pbr heard about this....its almost comical how the wind makes him a human missile into the building kite surfing...wtf was he thinking what a tool...eventhogh t.s. fay is not a hurricane in florida right now its still packing some serious winds and surf


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELUmORPMVyU

[maxpower]

Ithaca's plan to take over the world continues; an alum (and guy I worked with) is hired as Union's ASID:

http://www.cosida.com/news/2008/8/13/0813084158_4940.aspx

[JT]

dumb azz!!! these idiots deserve to get crunched...novices in surfing and kite surfing should not be out when hurricanes/t.s. roll ashore...look at this idiot pbr heard about this....its almost comical how the wind makes him a human missile into the building kite surfing...wtf was he thinking what a tool...eventhogh t.s. fay is not a hurricane in florida right now its still packing some serious winds and surf


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELUmORPMVyU

Definitely a nominee for a darwin award.

[union89]

Ithaca's plan to take over the world continues; an alum (and guy I worked with) is hired as Union's ASID:

http://www.cosida.com/news/2008/8/13/0813084158_4940.aspx

Speaking of SID's.....has anyone ever had a cool one??  I will not name names, but during my time at Union, our SID went through a divorce and buried himself in Jack Daniels for 2 years....he went downhill FAST!!!  He seemed like a nice enough guy, but bared a strong resemblance to 'Crusty the Clown'.

[Pat Coleman]

When you're expected to work a minimum of 60 hours a week and get paid for 40 -- and get paid CRAP for doing it -- it's hard to be Mr. or Ms. Sunshine.

[Pat Coleman]

For example, when I let the SID job at Catholic U. to take the bottom-rung job at Baseball Weekly, I got a 20% raise and my workload was cut by 40%.

[realistic]

Ithaca's plan to take over the world continues; an alum (and guy I worked with) is hired as Union's ASID:

http://www.cosida.com/news/2008/8/13/0813084158_4940.aspx

Speaking of SID's.....has anyone ever had a cool one??  I will not name names, but during my time at Union, our SID went through a divorce and buried himself in Jack Daniels for 2 years....he went downhill FAST!!!  He seemed like a nice enough guy, but bared a strong resemblance to 'Crusty the Clown'.

thats interesting....the ones I worked with in College (IC, Cornell) and the ones after college as a sportscaster were just about all great.  Horrible hours, etc (as Pat stated) but in general I found them very helpful and eager to further to exposure of their school (D-1, D-2 and D3).  My biggest problems in that area were HS coaches and AD's who had no clue and no desire to help.