FB: Liberty League

[Garnet]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so BRUCE goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

BRUCE bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well, BRUCE, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, BRUCE replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, BRUCE! instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that BRUCE has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that BRUCE won't have an answer to. After a second, M! r. Smith says, "Well, BRUCE, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.

What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

BRUCE just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

[finsleft]

Midget siamese twins, one's a nymphomaniac, the other one loves playing the trombone, are sitting at home one night. Nymph sister is reading the paper while other is playing trombone, says,"Hey I see the rodeo is in town this week. Why don't we go down to that cowboy bar and see if we can meet some cowboys?" They head to the bar, the place is packed with cowboys and they meet lots of new friends. Nympho sister has GREAT time and she ends up scoring with nearly every cowboy in the rodeo, all the while her attached sister plays the trombone. It was quite a week.
A year goes by.
Nymph sister is reading the paper again while other sister plays the trombone, says, "Hey, the rodeo is back in town. Maybe we should go down to the bar and see our old cowboy friends."
Trombone playing sister replies, "Do you think they'll remember us?"

[finsleft]

one more for my LLPP brethren...

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a ****"?

[Kilted Rat]

A young man walks into the pharmacy in a small town and walks up to the counter. "I'll take a 3 pack of condoms please."

The Pharmacist is a bit taken aback by the young man's bravado, but finds it humorous none the less. "Young man, are you sure you need a 3 pack?"

The young man ponders it a while and then says, "You're right, I'm having dinner tonight with her parents, so I'm guaranteed to get lucky tonight, then it is a three day weekend, gimme a 6-pack of Trojan Magnums."

The pharmacist smiles and laughs to himself impressed with the young man's confidence.

That night at dinner the young man does not say a word. He is totally silent the entire time, not eating and staring down at his plate the entire time. His girlfriend asks him to help take the dishes into the kitchen following the meal.

"What is wrong with you?" she asks, "You never told me you froze up around adults!"

"You never told me your dad was a Pharmacist"

[johnnyadmit]

A young man walks into the pharmacy in a small town and walks up to the counter. "I'll take a 3 pack of condoms please."

The Pharmacist is a bit taken aback by the young man's bravado, but finds it humorous none the less. "Young man, are you sure you need a 3 pack?"

The young man ponders it a while and then says, "You're right, I'm having dinner tonight with her parents, so I'm guaranteed to get lucky tonight, then it is a three day weekend, gimme a 6-pack of Trojan Magnums."

The pharmacist smiles and laughs to himself impressed with the young man's confidence.

That night at dinner the young man does not say a word. He is totally silent the entire time, not eating and staring down at his plate the entire time. His girlfriend asks him to help take the dishes into the kitchen following the meal.

"What is wrong with you?" she asks, "You never told me you froze up around adults!"

"You never told me your dad was a Pharmacist"

KR, I'm dissapointed...  I think I first heard that one in 2nd or 3rd grade!

[Kilted Rat]

Is this better?

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

[Kilted Rat]

Or this:


A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman."
The priest asks, "What do you mean, almost?"

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in."

[Kilted Rat]

or this:


It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "****!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

[icgrad87]

  A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A  FOOTBALL GAME WHEN  HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?  IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.   HE LOOKS AT HER  AND SAYS ANGRILY; FIX THE  LIGHT,   NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A  G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T  THINK  SO!
THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD  YOU  FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE   RIGHT.
  TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE   DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY   FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.  FINE, SHE SAYS   THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT
DOOR? THEY'RE  ABOUT TO  BREAK.  I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I  DON'T  WANT TO FIX STEPS, HE SAYS. DOES
IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE   ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T  THINK
SO.  I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF  YOU. I'M GOING TO THE  BAR!!!  SO HE GOES  TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE  OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL  GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS  WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO
HOME AND  HELP OUT.  AS HE WALKS INTO THE  HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS  ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS
HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES  THE HALL  LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A
BEER, HE NOTICES THE  FRIDGE  DOOR IS FIXED. 'HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET   FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS  WRONG, AND I  TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS,
  AND ALL I HAD TO  DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A  CAKE.
  HE  SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE  DID YOU BAKE HIM?
  SHE  REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.......DO  YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I  DON'T THINK  SO!

[johnnyadmit]

Alright KR- you did your penance!

[Reno Hightower]

Any news on recruiting in the LL?

[Jonny Utah]

REG!! Who are we goin with today? 

Florida is a sure thing.  They are going to win by 20.

[BobbyBoucher]

Bobby needs LLPP Inc's, and its followers help.

Bobby has been asked to transfer (replace someone who is leaving the company) to an office located in a small town (<20K )in NY.  Bobby is considering taking the position b/c bobby has spent the last 2.5 years working on projects out of the office and it is really becoming a headache with Mrs Boucher, and the little bouchers.

What Bobby needs is guidance on what to ask for.  When Bobby was approached to transfer, the question was, "what will it take to get bobby to transfer?"  So the ball is in Bobbys court. 

Bobby is open for suggestions and pointers.

[Kilted Rat]

Home office, company car/ car allowance, doubled vacation, unlimited matching 401k contributions, position created for KS, 12 hour karma ability, 20k increase in salary, done at noon on Fridays year round and a private helicopter... I've always wanted a private helicopter.

That's what I'd ask for.

That's what I'd ask for, a major advantage is that housing will likely be much much cheaper in a smaller town.

[Regulator]

JU- Florida was a given....

Here were the CABFT (Cheap Azz Bets for Tonight)


Parlay (3 Teams) 04/01/06 14:54 ET
5.00/30.58 Result: Pending
GeorgeMason 58
Florida 73 04/01/06 (18:10 ET)
Florida -6
 
LSU
UCLA 04/01/06 (21:00 ET)
UCLA +2 (-105)
 
LSU
UCLA 04/01/06 (21:00 ET)
Over 122
 


Parlay (4 Teams) 04/01/06 14:53 ET
5.00/60.04 Result: Pending
GeorgeMason 58
Florida 73 04/01/06 (18:10 ET)
Florida -6
 
GeorgeMason 58
Florida 73 04/01/06 (18:10 ET)
Under 132.5
 
LSU
UCLA 04/01/06 (21:00 ET)
LSU -2 (-115)
 
LSU
UCLA 04/01/06 (21:00 ET)
Under 122